I had a lovely visit by phone with a friend this morning. She told me that she’s feeling very content these days. Isn’t contentment such a beautiful word? And isn’t it wonderful she could describe her life as contented? After we got off the phone I started to reflect on what I would say I need to feel contented with my life. Here are some things that came to mind:

1) To love and be loved.

2) To have meaningful work/projects to do.

3) To have a good book on the go, and a good book ahead.

What are some of the things you need in your life to be able to enjoy a feeling of contentment in your mind, body, emotions and spirit?

Regarding good books, I’d like to recommend some new to me authors who write what I would call ‘ beach reads’. These are feel good, encouraging, easy reads. My local librarian wasn’t familiar with any of these authors, so in case you are looking for some new authors in the ‘beach read’ category, here are a few!

1) Leigh Duncan.

Leigh is an American author. She’s won a number of awards for womens’ fiction. I am making my way through her Sugar Sand Inn series right now. They describe the struggles of a group of four women who are working together to get a new inn up and running. Nothing happens that would disturb your sleep, and the description of the friends’ relationships with each other is endearing and encouraging.

2) Jean Grainger

Jean is a very prolific Irish author. She seems to be able to work on several series at once. I have read some or all of The Tour series, the Robinswood series, and most recently the Mags Munroe series. Mags is a policewoman in a small village in Ireland. I found reading about her experiences really interesting and enjoyable. Again, Jean’s books are great bedtime reading.

3) Susanne O’Leary

Susanne is another Irish author. Her novels are set mostly in County Kerry. I have read most of her Starlight Cottage series and the Sandy Cove series. They describe events and relationships in a small village in Ireland. The settings are spectacular. Again, no worries about reading these books just before you fall asleep at night!

Enjoy!

Happy June!

Wow, wow, wow! Last night I got to see Bruce Cockburn in concert. What an inspiring, magical experience it was! He turns 79 on Monday, yet once again, he put on an amazing show. I think this is the tenth time I have seen him perform live, spanning 45 years of my life, since I was a young medical student. He came out on the stage, walking very slowly, supported on two canes. He was hunched over and his hands were full of osteoarthritis, yet he was full of life, feisty, and irreverent. YAY!

The first half of the concert I thought, “Oh no, he’s not as good as he used to be. That’s so sad, but understandable.” But when he came out for the second set, suddenly, his fingers were flying, his voice was soaring, and he was able to move all of us profoundly with his musicianship, his voice, his humour, and his indomitable spirit. Following the second set he hobbled off the stage, but after a lot of cheering, he came back and did a three song encore, and we were moved even more deeply. I have a lot to think about regarding this experience. Here are a couple of my early takeaways:

1) He’s still a committed activist, but he’s also spending significant time looking fearlessly ahead towards his death, preparing for it in his own way. His latest CD, O Sun, O Moon, is a beauty. My favourite song is Into the Now. I love the final chorus:

“End of it all, End of it all. See if I get there at the end of it all. Honey from God, honey from God. Love trickles down like honey from God. Into the now, into the now, out of the armour and into the now.”

2) He inspires me to be all that I can be in my next 10 years. I am 69, he is 79. May I be as committed to what I know to be my purpose, as he has been to his in the past 10 years. On his website he says, “Part of the job of being human is just to try to spread light, at whatever level you can.” Amen to that, and Go Bruce Go!

I got to enjoy the concert in the company of my two daughters, neither of whom have had the opportunity to see Bruce live before. We had a lovely dinner before the concert, as this was my Mother’s Day gift and activity with them. What pure joy it was to be in their company. Oh what a night! Woo hoo!

Mother’s Day has come and gone, and I made it! I never understood before why people dread the first birthday, or the first anniversary after their parent or loved one passes, but I do now. It turned out to be a sweet day, celebrating with those who were available to come over for dinner. The main thing about such events, I have found, is not to be alone, and to invite someone over who might not otherwise have an invitation on Mother’s Day- someone whose own mother has passed, for example. Mom did always say, “When you are feeling sad, lonely, or bored, look outside yourself and do something for someone else.” For me, those are very practical and useful words to live by.

I am continuing to journal through a series of questions that I have found in various books that are helping me to process Mom’s life and death. I came across some really hard hitting ones today. Whew! It is going to take some time for me to think about, write about, and generally process them. In case you would like to take a deep dive in this area of your life, here are a few journal prompts you can delve into:

1) How often are you still a dependent, judgmental, or needy child?

2) Where do you still seek to fit in, belong, and conform for your survival?

3) When are you self-aware, accepting of yourself, and impeccable?

4) Where and how are you living in harmony with self, life, and others?

Juicy, eh???!!!

Enjoy this beautiful Victoria Day!

Mother’s Day is coming up, and I have been dreading it, because it’s the first one since Mom passed away. I won’t be able to visit my Mom and take her favourite Swiss Chalet lunch to her, for us to enjoy together. I am feeling so sad about that.

I have been thinking some more about the gifts I received from Mom. I think my favourite gift was her listening ear. I remember being a teenager sitting at the end of her bed on Saturday mornings, telling her all about my week. Mom would be propped up on pillows, drinking coffee, and listening attentively. It meant so much to me that despite having four children, she made time for me on Saturday mornings. She was a great listener all her life, always curious and interested in what I was up to. My Nana was also a very good listener. She too would sit back with a cup of coffee when I came to visit, very willing to hear all about my week.

One of my daughters texted me today to let me know that she was at a meeting this morning where people were invited to share memories of their mothers. Imagine my surprise when she shared, ‘I talked about Saturday mornings, sitting on your bed, pouring out my heart to you, as you sat drinking coffee.’ Wow!! It sent a shiver down my spine to think that the gift of listening, cup of coffee in hand, was successfully passed down the generations!!

I will be thinking of Nana, Mom, myself, Martha, and Joanna, and the bond of listening that connects us all. Though not being able to be with Mom on Mother’s Day is definitely going to hurt, I am so grateful for these precious memories, which i think are going to help!

Good morning! Spring is progressing well in Southern Ontario. The leaves are just about to burst forth. It’s been so encouraging for everyone’s mind, heart, and soul to see this!

Recently, on my office bookshelf, I found a book called The Mother Loss Workbook: Healing Exercises for Daughters. Although it is a book written for women who lost their mothers when they were children or teenagers, I have found most of the exercises are applicable, or I can easily adapt them, to suit my situation. So far, I have written about the details of my own childhood and adolescence, and about what I know about my Mom’s childhood, adolescence and adult life before and after meeting my Dad. Next, I wrote about the relationship between my Mom and me. The journal prompts really helped me to flesh out the details of that relationship. The final prompts in that section were - Who was your mother to you? Who were you to her? Fascinating! Finally, I was invited to consider how my family operated, how my Mom and Dad related, and what our family’s values were.

This process has been like a mini Life Review. I love that there’s lots of space in the workbook to write out my answers to the prompts. It’s been comforting to pick the book up each morning and consider the next few questions.

One fascinating thing I have found is that now, when someone asks me about my Mom’s passing, I am feeling less emotionally affected. I seem to be able to answer a question using my mind, rather than coming solely from my heart. That’s been a good shift for me. It’s as though both my emotions and my mind need time to work through things, and I think the end result will be a healthier integration of everything. I have felt validated about the immensity of losing one’s Mother, and about the amount of processing required. I still feel that the best approach is slow and easy, gentle and spacious. Now I am at the point of beginning to enjoy the journey. That’s a great spot to be!

Good morning! Spring has finally arrived in southern Ontario! The birds are singing, the trees are budding, and the daffodils in my garden are in full bloom!

I realized today that on April 25th it will be three months since my mother passed away. What a three months it has been! I remember feeling weak as a kitten, disoriented and unable to control my tears for the first few weeks after Mom passed. Then the time came when I could talk about her passing without bursting into tears. Now, when I think about Mother’s Day coming, I am able to wonder, with my mind, as well as my emotions, how to celebrate it. I have written 200 pages in my journal! I have also been inspired to write a lot for my new book Tent Pegs: How to Live With More Stability and Strength. For sure, although talking about Mom and telling the story of her final illness and passing has been an important way to process her passing, writing has been my primary way to process her life, her impact on my life, and what I want to integrate of her, her life, and our relationship, as I continue forward.

Today I heard, for the first time, the lyrics of a song called Landslide. It was written in 1973 by Stevie Nicks, at a time of transition in her life. One verse particularly captured my attention:

O mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

I heard this song while watching The Voice Knockouts on YouTube. It was performed by contestant Madison Curbelo. As she sang the line Can I handle the seasons of my life? something stirred deep within my soul. I realized, with a start, that I am handling this time of transition in my life. That was such a reassuring thought! Of course, I have definitely needed lots of people to listen and encourage and support me through the past three months of grief. But with that support, and with giving myself the gift of a lot of time and space to quietly and gently process, I am making it through.

Hallelujah!!

I was glued to the TV set for much of the past four days, as the Masters Golf Tournament was being played for the 88th time. I have watched many of those tournaments, and they mean so much to me. Seeing Jack Nicklaus and Gary Player be the honorary starters brought tears to my eyes. I have such fond memories of watching these iconic golfers play at the height of their powers. They were amazing and awe inspiring to a young girl growing up in a small town.

Golf was our family game, and my Mom and Dad and brother and I played together when I was a teenager. I was the first female greenskeeper at my local golf course. What a great summer job for a university student! I would ride my bicycle up the main street at 6am, work until 2pm, then golf for the rest of the afternoon until it was time to cycle home for supper. Perfection!

I loved being reminded of those simple days of my life this weekend. I loved being reminded of Sunday dinners at my Nana’s where we were all huddled around the TV watching our golfing idols play to the finish. I love that I got to grow up on golf, and that as an adult, I got to take my Mom golfing many Wednesday afternoons, until she was no longer able to physically manage it.

Golf was a simple pleasure, but a powerful unifying factor for my family of origin. Now that Mom has passed away, I am feeling moved to try to reconnect with the game. When I am playing, will I feel the same way about it as I did when I was young? Am I still physically up to the challenge? I am feeling ready and willing to give it a try!

Hello from Canada on Eclipse Day. I hope you enjoy this day, wherever you are.

As I have been reflecting on my Mom and my Nana’s lives, I have also been reflecting on the lives of the elders who remain in my family. My Aunt Sheila turned 93 on Saturday, and my Uncle Bill turned 88 today. This year, I wanted to name for myself the things I admire about them, then write to them, letting them know, with gratitude, how important their example has been to me. As I reflected on their lives and what they have offered to me, I realized that we can make a conscious choice to intend to incorporate into our lives the good things that our elders have modelled, and still model for us.

I love my Uncle Bill’s dignity and quiet humility. I love my Aunt Sheila’s love of life and devotion to prayer. I loved Nana’s ability to create beautiful celebrations at birthday and Holiday times. I loved Mom’s love of books, learning, gardening, and her curiosity and great listening skills. I aspire, and I am consciously choosing, to try to integrate these beautiful traits and characteristics into my own life as I move forward.

What are some of the admirable qualities that the elders in your life model or have modelled for you? May none of these good gifts be wasted or lost. May we incorporate them into our lives, and pass them on to our children and our children’s children. May it be so! Amen

Happy Easter Monday! I hope you had a lovely Easter celebration and that you are enjoying the crocuses blooming and the robins returning. I got a new app on my phone called Merlin, developed by Cornell University, which allows me to identify which bird is singing the song I am listening to when I am out on a walk. I’ve been having a lot of fun with it, as I seek to recognize individual bird songs more accurately!

The last two weeks, I feel a real lifting of my feelings of grief, and what’s replacing it is a desire to more deeply understand the underlying psychological dynamics of my family of origin. To do that, I have had to think back to my Nana, my mom’s mom. I have shared that Nana died two days before my first daughter was born. I have been realizing that I never truly grieved Nana’s death, because I was completely focused on the care of my newborn daughter.

Nana was a really important person in my life. She was the one who encouraged me to write and recognized me as a writer, more than as a doctor in waiting. She taught me how to enjoy my own company. When I visited her for an overnight stay, she would draw a bath for me, scented with lavender, and bring hot chocolate and digestive cookies upstairs for me to have in bed, along with reading a good book. Nana modelled how to do self-care before that word was ever coined!

She was a very quiet woman, deeply devoted to her family. She loved putting on birthday dinners, and especially enjoyed creating a beautifully set dining room table. I have her dining room furniture, which is now 100 years old, and as I set the Easter dinner table with care, using our best silverware and china, lovely napkins, and with a centrepiece of crocuses and daffodils, I realized that it was Nana who taught how meaningful and satisfying it is to do this for one’s family.

Nana also loved her garden, knew all the flowers in it and how to tend them. When I was a child, we went to Nana’s house every Sunday evening for dinner, and in the fine weather, we would walk around the garden, checking on its progress, before dinner.

I have been realizing that my love of books, solitude, bubblebaths, gardening, and preparing and serving lovely holiday meals, all come directly from her. As I have been reflecting on my Mom’s life, I have wanted to reflect deeply on Nana’s life too. Nana and I were more alike. Mom was a real extravert, skilled at interacting with people, and I learned a lot from her too. I am realizing that who I am today is such a reflection of both Nana and Mom’s influences in my life.That’s been a really beautiful thing to ponder this Easter weekend. Birth, death, resurrection. The cycle of life continues. For me, there’s great comfort in that, as I seek to integrate into my life the best of what Nana and Mom taught me.

Hallelujah!

We’ve been enjoying a remarkable two weeks in the life of our family. During this time, we’ve had the opportunity to celebrate the birthdays of three family members, and that of a dear friend. As I have been spending lots of time decorating, baking cakes, blowing up balloons, and eating yummy meals ending with chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream, I have been struck by the joy on the faces of those to whom we’ve been able to sing Happy Birthday. I love how it doesn’t matter if you are thirteen or eighty, birthday cake and ice cream always hits the spot!

In the midst of grieving my Mom, I have been appreciating more than ever the balancing simple pleasure and joy of celebrating a dear one’s birthday.There’s been something very healing and life affirming about these two weeks. And for that, I am feeling very grateful!