Reflecting on Nana's life
Happy Easter Monday! I hope you had a lovely Easter celebration and that you are enjoying the crocuses blooming and the robins returning. I got a new app on my phone called Merlin, developed by Cornell University, which allows me to identify which bird is singing the song I am listening to when I am out on a walk. I’ve been having a lot of fun with it, as I seek to recognize individual bird songs more accurately!
The last two weeks, I feel a real lifting of my feelings of grief, and what’s replacing it is a desire to more deeply understand the underlying psychological dynamics of my family of origin. To do that, I have had to think back to my Nana, my mom’s mom. I have shared that Nana died two days before my first daughter was born. I have been realizing that I never truly grieved Nana’s death, because I was completely focused on the care of my newborn daughter.
Nana was a really important person in my life. She was the one who encouraged me to write and recognized me as a writer, more than as a doctor in waiting. She taught me how to enjoy my own company. When I visited her for an overnight stay, she would draw a bath for me, scented with lavender, and bring hot chocolate and digestive cookies upstairs for me to have in bed, along with reading a good book. Nana modelled how to do self-care before that word was ever coined!
She was a very quiet woman, deeply devoted to her family. She loved putting on birthday dinners, and especially enjoyed creating a beautifully set dining room table. I have her dining room furniture, which is now 100 years old, and as I set the Easter dinner table with care, using our best silverware and china, lovely napkins, and with a centrepiece of crocuses and daffodils, I realized that it was Nana who taught how meaningful and satisfying it is to do this for one’s family.
Nana also loved her garden, knew all the flowers in it and how to tend them. When I was a child, we went to Nana’s house every Sunday evening for dinner, and in the fine weather, we would walk around the garden, checking on its progress, before dinner.
I have been realizing that my love of books, solitude, bubblebaths, gardening, and preparing and serving lovely holiday meals, all come directly from her. As I have been reflecting on my Mom’s life, I have wanted to reflect deeply on Nana’s life too. Nana and I were more alike. Mom was a real extravert, skilled at interacting with people, and I learned a lot from her too. I am realizing that who I am today is such a reflection of both Nana and Mom’s influences in my life.That’s been a really beautiful thing to ponder this Easter weekend. Birth, death, resurrection. The cycle of life continues. For me, there’s great comfort in that, as I seek to integrate into my life the best of what Nana and Mom taught me.
Hallelujah!