Good morning!

I read a really helpful quote about grief this morning, which I found in a book called Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown:

“Grief does not obey your plans, or your wishes. Grief will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to. In that regard, Grief has a lot in common with Love.” — Elizabeth Gilbert

Ah ha! This really rang true and was helpful to me as a person who is at the 7 week mark of journeying through grief. It helped me to make sense of an experience I had while driving to church on Sunday. I was remembering, with pleasure, Martha’s 40th birthday party celebration held the day before, and the thought came to mind, “I’ll have to tell Mom all about it next Sunday when I see her.”
All of a sudden, and it felt like out of the blue, I was hit by a huge wave of grief, as I realized that I won’t be spending any more Sunday afternoons with Mom, sharing about our week. This wave of grief was every bit as intense as what I felt early on after Mom’s passing and I wondered, “When is this going to stop happening?” I continued on to church, because I had an important job to do, but if I hadn’t had a responsibility to carry out, I would have turned the car around and gone home.

Elizabeth Gilbert’s words really helped me make sense of this experience, as I realized there’s no time limit on grief. Also, it now seems to me that if I am struck with a wave of grief like that, it tells me that this was a person who really, really mattered to me, and who I truly loved. So it feels now like, when and if a wave of grief hits me again, that I am fortunate. I have loved, and I have been loved, and that makes me feel really human, if somewhat vulnerable!

I also read that after acute grief comes the stage of ‘integrated grief’.

“ Integrated grief is the result of adaptation to the loss. When a person adapts to a loss, grief is not over. Instead, thoughts, feelings, and behaviours related to their loss are integrated in ways that allow them to remember and honour the person who died. Grief finds a place in their life.” pg 113 Atlas of the Heart

Reading this quote helped me to feel that I am ‘normal’. There’s no timeline regarding when I ‘should’ stop crying at the thought of my Mom. Maybe never, when certain memories come to mind! It’s a matter of being in a process, the process of adaptation and integration. This feels wholesome, rich, deep and satisfying to me, now that I am giving myself permission to take the time and space I need.

Hallelujah!

Wow! Today my oldest child turns 40! We are having a big bash for her tomorrow. I feel pretty ready for the party, so why am I feeling so sad today?

I think it’s because it’s the first big occasion since Mom passed away. I am awash in memories of the day Martha was born, and how Mom and Dad came to see her the next day. I am remembering how when Martha was three months of age, the day we found out Martha’s Dad had cancer, Mom was on the next train to come to be with me in my fear and overwhelm. I remember how when my marriage came to an end many years later, of all the people in my life, she was the one most loyal, even though she didn’t really understand what was happening. In other words, she was a wonderful Mom in terms of being there, silently supporting me, during the most challenging times of my life.

She was also the one who created many of the celebrations in honour of Martha. In the last couple of years we brought the party to Mom, but she was always there, offering Martha a great gift, and loving and enjoying Martha, her eldest granddaughter.

I miss you today Mom, and it will be weird not having you at Martha’s party tomorrow. Thanks for being such a great Mom in the areas of loyalty and party making! It’s been a beautiful morning of crying, thinking back on your life, Martha’s life, and my own life of being a Mom to Martha for the past forty years. Overall, my predominant feeling is gratitude. And I pray that I will continue to grow in my understanding of how important an influence you were in my life.

PS In talking with folks this morning about Martha’s day of birth, I was reminded of another very important event that occurred that day. One hour after Martha was born, My Mom was attending her Mom, my Nana’s, funeral. I couldn’t make it, because I went into labour. Mom said she didn’t know what or how to feel- her beloved Mom’s life was being celebrated, and her new granddaughter was being born 3 hours away. What a thing it is to be a Mother, to be closely connected and to love all the generations, as they enter and exit our world. The cycle of life continues…

Mom loved books and reading. I definitely take after her in that way. Together we delighted in discovering new authors, reading their books, then passing them on to others. My sister told me that when Mom moved from our family home to her condo, she donated about fifty boxes of books to the local library. Now again, Mom’s books need sorting through, and that job has fallen to me. Again, I have donated many of the books, and I have kept a small number for my own library. I also have been looking at Mom’s special books.

She kept a small prayer book which was given to Dad on his second birthday. It was a delight to read prayers written about one hundred years ago. I found a family Bible from my Mom’s side which listed everyone born from my great grandmother all the way down to my own generation. Seeing all the names written in old fashioned script gave me a wonderful sense of the continuity of the generations.

I found my Mom’s own Bible. It was a King James Version, published in 1953, the year before Mom and Dad got married. I have been slowly working my way through its pages, looking for, and listing, the verses Mom underlined, slowly building up a picture of which parts of the Bible were important to her.

It’s been an beautiful journey, providing much food for reflection. The books we own seem to say so much about us, and no two collections of books are the same. I am feeling in no rush to finish mining this buried treasure! It’s been an unexpected joy, an unexpected pleasure on this contemplative journey.

Thanks so much, Mom, for modeling that happiness is having a good book to read and a good book ahead. Thanks for teaching me how to enjoy my own company. Thank you for encouraging me to write. Thank you for showing me that happiness lies in sharing the good things we discover with others. For these and many other life lessons, I will be eternally grateful!

Good morning! The days are getting longer! Daylight Savings Time is coming soon! I hear the birds singing more often. We are getting there!

I have made three trips to my Mom’s condo now, with different things to accomplish each time. But now, as I think about the overall effect of going there, I am realizing that the process of going through cupboards, looking through bookshelves, and examining the photos and art on the walls, is beginning to give me the overall story of her life and what was most important to her.

There are excellent quality gardening tools sitting right by the door to the patio, in readiness for pruning a bush or edging the garden so it will look its best. There is artwork done by the great grandchildren posted on her fridge, as well as some funny cartoons. There is good china and silverware at the ready. There is a cupboard full of wrapping paper and bags. There is a whole cupboard devoted to, and filled with, art supplies. There are about 100 recipe books and maybe 150 art books, as well as many, many pieces of art throughout the whole condo- maybe 50? I didn’t stop to count them all. Gardening, family, entertaining, giving gifts, reading, cooking, making art… these are some of the most important pieces of her life that have emerged.

As I contemplate what’s been important to Mom, I find myself contemplating what is most important to me. What will my children see was most important when they are in the position of going through my things one day? Is there anything I want to change about the order of importance various things have in my life? What do I want to clear away now? What do I want to add? What little messages do I want to leave my children- such as greeting cards I kept and valued from them.

The time of intense grief seems to have passed, followed by a time now of asking myself what really mattered to Mom and why, and what really matters to me, and why. I am so glad this contemplation is happening as spring approaches, because it’s a time of new beginnings in my life as well as in the natural world around me.

Sending a hug to each of you!

Love, Sue

Happy Family Day to all! For those who don’t live in Ontario, we have a Family Day holiday today, allowing us to rest and recharge in mid February, as we head into the final stretch of winter.

On Saturday, I went to my Mom’s condo on my own. I had been going in the company of others prior to this, but I felt it was time, and that I was strong enough to go and be in her space by myself to reflect, as well as to do some necessary tasks there.

I came across a copy of Mom’s beloved Globe and Mail, which she read every day. She was always on top of the news of the day and had definite opinions on what was going on in the world. I had a chance to begin looking at the family photo albums, beginning with 1954, the year Mom and Dad were married. I found a great photo of them on their honeymoon, and was able to take a picture of it with my phone, and share the moment with my sibs, children, and some of the grandchildren. I found a bundle of greeting cards she had kept over the years. Reading through them again, I got a window into what she most valued about our relationship.

Probably the sweetest moments came when I encountered other folks who live in Mom’s condo building. They had lots to say about what Mom meant to them, and again it opened a window into her world at that stage of her life. I spoke to one gentleman who appeared to be in his late 80s. We talked about how Mom was still able to live on her own even up to age 92, but when her final illness came, it was only 3 weeks until she was gone. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “Dear, that’s what we all hope for. To be able to live here as long as possible, and then be gone quickly.” Wow. It was a great perspective to be given by someone of Mom’s age, to help me with my own grieving process. Although it seemed to me to be too short a time of illness to be ready personally to let her go, it was good to realize that for at least one person in their late 80s or 90s, the way Mom went was perfect.

As I drove away from the condo building I realized that though I had talked to several folks in the condo, and had been able to listen to their memories and comfort them as they teared up, I myself didn’t cry. I felt like I had turned another corner in the grieving process. There seems to be a sweeter side to grieving which we can access when our bodies are ready for it. To hear the memories of others, to go through old photo albums and cards, to listen to her favourite CDs, all these are providing me beautiful moments of remembrance as I try to deepen my understanding of Mom’s life and what she meant to others, as well as deepen my understanding of what she meant to me, and what she gave to me over the 69 years that I knew her and was blessed to call her my Mom.

Thanks so much for everything, Mom!

Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone! I hope your day is filled with sweet surprises!

My Mom loved special occasions. When I was young, Valentine’s Day was a wonderful day because we kids could count on a special dinner, complete with a chocolate cake and some treats for each of us. On St Patrick’s Day, we would have a white cake with green vanilla icing. Easter brought a white cake covered with coconut and pastel coloured jelly beans. Mom got her love of special occasions from her Mom, my Nana. Nana loved making each grandchild feel special on their birthday by cooking a special dinner, complete with chocolate cake.

And so, in the tradition of Nana and Mom, I am getting out my heart shaped pans and preparing to make a chocolate cake to serve at dinner here tonight. I am thinking of Mom, on this first special occasion since she died, celebrating her, and feeling a lot of gratitude for the many things that she taught me.

And I feel like I am turning a corner in my grieving process. So far, it’s been all tears and deep sadness. But today, remembering Mom and our many Valentine’s Days together, a big smile is shining through my tears. And since I love to bake, I am looking forward to the day ahead!

Sending Valentine’s Day wishes to all of you!

Sue

Good morning to all of you. Here, we are enjoying a sunny morning and I hope it’s the same for you where you are.

All week, I have been trying to remember when I last felt the way I do right now. It’s been hard to describe what I am experiencing, even to myself! Finally, I made the connection. I feel like I did during the weeks immediately following the birth of my first child. My world had been changed in a way that was irrevocable. I had a new human being depending on me for her survival. Suddenly, my primary identity had changed. I had joined the ranks of all the women in history who had become a mother to someone. I felt shaky and vulnerable. Nothing I had read or heard truly prepared me for that transition. In a way I felt like a butterfly coming out of the cocoon, with wet wings, eyes blinded by the light, feeling overcome by the sights and sounds of the new world around me.

For me, losing my own mother has been a little like that. It’s a whole new world. My identity has changed. I am no longer a daughter. I am now an elder; there is no getting away from that reality now! In the light of that, I am needing a lot of rest, sort of like a newborn baby does, or a new mother. I am moving very slowly back into the everyday world, not feeling like I have a lot to give yet, as I adjust to my new reality. It’s a huge transition. I am going to try to give myself all the time I need to write, rest, walk and sleep.

I read a good quote this morning that was really comforting: “ Don’t try to calm the storm. The storm will pass. Focus on calming yourself.” Yes! I will do just that, trusting that just as when I became a new mother, I will, in time, adjust to this new reality, this new stage of my life. Time to be nice and gentle with myself, taking it slow and easy!

I had the amazing experience of attending the celebration of life gathering for my Mom this past Sunday. I didn’t know what to expect. Who would come? What would they say to me? How would I find the strength to say anything in return to them? Despite my concerns, I found out that celebrations of life can be wonderful.

To my surprise, many people from my childhood in my home town came to see me, to offer their condolences and to share memories of both my Mom and my Dad. My kindergarten teacher was there, as well as my tennis coach and a relative of my mixed doubles golf partner. I was transported back to a distant, but fondly remembered, time of my life. I was also so comforted that many friends from my present day adult life made the journey to be there to support me. My niece and nephew did a wonderful job of speaking about Mom’s life. A grandson in law sang It’s a Wonderful World, one of Mom’s favourite songs, beautifully.

The afternoon was a comfort and a blessing. I just counted up how many people I spoke to in two hours and it was 65 people! No wonder I was hoarse afterward!

I realized again how important ritual and ceremony, symbolism, and music are at times like this. And now, it’s time to begin to process- my life, my Mom’s life, the relationship between us, what she taught me, what I taught her, and what I want to take with me of Mom’s impact and lessons into the years ahead.

Thank you, God, for giving me an interesting, and always interested, Mom. I am realizing once again how powerful the impact of a Mother’s life truly is.

Wow, its been quite the week since my Mom passed away, with some high highs and some low lows. I am not usually one who is easy to cry, but I have been this week. What I have noticed though is that at my lowest moments, the kindness and generosity of friends has been right there to pick me up. I have received beautiful texts and emails, flower arrangements, notifications of donations to Mom’s favourite causes, and encouraging prayers, Scripture references, and beautiful songs meant to comfort and support me in my grief.

Today has been no exception. I went to M and M’s, a frozen food store, where I would go every Tuesday to pick up some frozen entrees for my Mom. Mom loved to try everything new that came out in the catelogue! Today, I was just shopping for my household and the order was much smaller. The unsuspecting store clerk asked, “Where’s your Mom’s order?” I promptly burst into tears! Oh man!

I made a rapid escape from the store and went home, instead of continuing the rest of my planned shopping trip. When I got there, there was a mysterious package by my front door. I hadn’t ordered anything from Amazon. What could it be? I went inside and opened the package. It was from a friend in Boston. It turned out to be some baked goods from a fancy store in Toronto. My friend knows I love chocolate so I wasn’t surprised to find that he had sent some beautiful specialty brownies and chocolate cookies. As I got a hug from my partner, and we sat down with coffee in hand to enjoy some of these treats, suddenly all was well again in my world.

Yay for the mysterious timing and the kindness of friends! Hallelujah!

Wow, what a tumultuous start to 2024 it has been. Early in January, my 92 year old mother became ill and had to be hospitalized. Then on Thursday January 25, she passed away peacefully. Although I was a family physician for 40 years and attended many patients in hospital and in the palliative care unit, I found out that nothing can prepare you for the death of your own mother. There were many beautiful moments sitting at the bedside, holding her hand for hours on end while she slept. What a blessing it was to be able to do that, to have that time to contemplate my life, her life, and our lives as part of the Gleeson family.

I turned 69 on January 17 and I knew that entering into my 70th year of life on this planet would provide an opportunity to think and reflect deeply on the years that have passed, as well as on the years ahead that may remain to me.

Now, it will also be a year of reflection on my mother’s life- what she gave to me, what I gave to her, and what the lessons and learnings have been that I would like to carry forward into the rest of my life.

I’m now the oldest one in my nuclear family of origin. What does that mean for me, and for the rest of my family, if anything? I am looking forward to the rest of 2024 and to the reflecting and writing and walking I will do as I sort through it all.

Hoping that your 2024 has gotten off to a good start, an interesting start, and a fulfilling start for you.

Love, Sue