Integrating Grief

Good morning!

I read a really helpful quote about grief this morning, which I found in a book called Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown:

“Grief does not obey your plans, or your wishes. Grief will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to. In that regard, Grief has a lot in common with Love.” — Elizabeth Gilbert

Ah ha! This really rang true and was helpful to me as a person who is at the 7 week mark of journeying through grief. It helped me to make sense of an experience I had while driving to church on Sunday. I was remembering, with pleasure, Martha’s 40th birthday party celebration held the day before, and the thought came to mind, “I’ll have to tell Mom all about it next Sunday when I see her.”
All of a sudden, and it felt like out of the blue, I was hit by a huge wave of grief, as I realized that I won’t be spending any more Sunday afternoons with Mom, sharing about our week. This wave of grief was every bit as intense as what I felt early on after Mom’s passing and I wondered, “When is this going to stop happening?” I continued on to church, because I had an important job to do, but if I hadn’t had a responsibility to carry out, I would have turned the car around and gone home.

Elizabeth Gilbert’s words really helped me make sense of this experience, as I realized there’s no time limit on grief. Also, it now seems to me that if I am struck with a wave of grief like that, it tells me that this was a person who really, really mattered to me, and who I truly loved. So it feels now like, when and if a wave of grief hits me again, that I am fortunate. I have loved, and I have been loved, and that makes me feel really human, if somewhat vulnerable!

I also read that after acute grief comes the stage of ‘integrated grief’.

“ Integrated grief is the result of adaptation to the loss. When a person adapts to a loss, grief is not over. Instead, thoughts, feelings, and behaviours related to their loss are integrated in ways that allow them to remember and honour the person who died. Grief finds a place in their life.” pg 113 Atlas of the Heart

Reading this quote helped me to feel that I am ‘normal’. There’s no timeline regarding when I ‘should’ stop crying at the thought of my Mom. Maybe never, when certain memories come to mind! It’s a matter of being in a process, the process of adaptation and integration. This feels wholesome, rich, deep and satisfying to me, now that I am giving myself permission to take the time and space I need.

Hallelujah!